Some things never change

 This day, nine years ago, is a day I will never forget. It is etched in my mind and heart forever. My memories of that day are not good ones. They are sad, scary and painful. It's the day our baby Lauren breathed her last breath. It's been nine years now and time has changed a lot of things.  I have been on the verge of tears all day. My heart is heavy and my mind can think of little else than wanting to hold her tiny body in my arms. It used to be that this was my everyday. Back when it was all fresh and new, feelings like these consumed me all. the. time.

You keep track of all my sorrows. you have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8

It's not like that anymore. I'm mostly fine. I can keep my emotions in check for the most part and my days are filled with taking care of my boys. I always miss my girl but the bad days are fewer and fewer. That change has been gradual but it is full of hope for me. I am healing. My pain doesn't have the same hold on me as it used to. I'm learning to give it up to the One who can change my ashes into beauty. It's not easy for me to do, I want to hold on. It sounds weird to want to hold on to pain but I think that as time took Lauren farther from me, it was something that made me feel closer to her, closer to the time that I had her here with me. I don't think that God intended for me to live holding my hurts so close. He wants me to lay them down, trust that he knows and cares, and then choose joy. I am still learning and many times I fail miserably. I'm not sure why God chose this path for my life but I'm following him.

If you are suffering according to God's will, keep on doing what is right, and trust yourself to the God who made you for he will never fail you. 1 Peter 4:19

He gave me a sky that looked like this last night. I was on my way home from getting groceries, missing my girl and he gave me a pink sky. How awesome is that!?

Who else among the gods is like you, O Lord? Who is glorious in holiness like you-so awesome in splendor, performing such wonders? Exodus15:11

I will always miss my firstborn. She made me a mommy and I will always love her. March 15 will come every year and bring with it memories that no mommy should have. We will always have a spot at the cemetery to take care of, as long as we live, that will be part of our lives.

But...God is still God. He is still on the throne and he is good. All the time. I am loved and cared for by the one who knew my days before they were. Some things never change.

You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in you book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God!  Psalm 139:16-17

Our escape from the snow

Matt and I have never left the boys for more than one or two nights and it really never occurred to me that we should. All that changed last week. My (very gracious) brother in law offered to Matt, a weeks vacation in Ft. Myers Beach Florida, at a Condo owned by his father in law. When Matt told me I automatically started planning for the boys to come with us. He very patiently waited for me to settle down and said, "I thought maybe just you and I could go." Bingo! It didn't take me long to switch gears and I'm sooooo glad we went for it.  We made plans for the boys to stay with my mom and dad with some babysitting from my lovely sister and sister in law's during the days when mom and dad had to work.

I have to say it was just what we needed even though we never knew we did. It was so good! We had so much fun together and we really didn't do much at all. That's the bueaty of it I guess. This may have been the first time but I'm thinking it won't be the last!

It was so refreshing to see flowers blooming, green grass, fresh LOCAL produce, and most importantly the sun! I think I was really struck by all the color. I was coming from seeing only shades of grey and white outside and it was such and nice change of scenery.

We loved every minute of our time away and it was really hard to drag ourselves away to come home. We were greeted at home by temperatures in the single digits, which seemed pretty cruel but we were so thankful for getting to escape it for a while.

How to deal with the snow in 7 easy steps

1. Grab a daddy and go sledding!

2. Make some art with marshmallows and toothpicks. If you are like Colin you just throw something together quick and get started munching marshmallows like they are going out of style.

3. Snuggle up with your cousins and watch a movie. If your like Colin, feel free to suck your thumb and pick your nose through the entire thing.

4. Bundle up and play outside after a blizzard.

4. Build a fort and hang out there for a day and a half.

5. Make snow ice cream and enjoy it for a bedtime snack.

6. Eat snowman pancakes that your mom was way more excited about than you.

7. Last but not least, leave your babies in the loving care of Grandma, pack your bags and head to somewhere warm and full of sunshine with your hunny.  See you later snow. I'm off to the beach:)