The adventures that come with raising three boys and the honost feelings that come from missing our precious girl.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Some things never change

 This day, nine years ago, is a day I will never forget. It is etched in my mind and heart forever. My memories of that day are not good ones. They are sad, scary and painful. It's the day our baby Lauren breathed her last breath. It's been nine years now and time has changed a lot of things.  I have been on the verge of tears all day. My heart is heavy and my mind can think of little else than wanting to hold her tiny body in my arms. It used to be that this was my everyday. Back when it was all fresh and new, feelings like these consumed me all. the. time.

You keep track of all my sorrows. you have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8

It's not like that anymore. I'm mostly fine. I can keep my emotions in check for the most part and my days are filled with taking care of my boys. I always miss my girl but the bad days are fewer and fewer. That change has been gradual but it is full of hope for me. I am healing. My pain doesn't have the same hold on me as it used to. I'm learning to give it up to the One who can change my ashes into beauty. It's not easy for me to do, I want to hold on. It sounds weird to want to hold on to pain but I think that as time took Lauren farther from me, it was something that made me feel closer to her, closer to the time that I had her here with me. I don't think that God intended for me to live holding my hurts so close. He wants me to lay them down, trust that he knows and cares, and then choose joy. I am still learning and many times I fail miserably. I'm not sure why God chose this path for my life but I'm following him.

If you are suffering according to God's will, keep on doing what is right, and trust yourself to the God who made you for he will never fail you. 1 Peter 4:19

He gave me a sky that looked like this last night. I was on my way home from getting groceries, missing my girl and he gave me a pink sky. How awesome is that!?

Who else among the gods is like you, O Lord? Who is glorious in holiness like you-so awesome in splendor, performing such wonders? Exodus15:11

I will always miss my firstborn. She made me a mommy and I will always love her. March 15 will come every year and bring with it memories that no mommy should have. We will always have a spot at the cemetery to take care of, as long as we live, that will be part of our lives.
But...God is still God. He is still on the throne and he is good. All the time. I am loved and cared for by the one who knew my days before they were. Some things never change.

You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in you book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God!  Psalm 139:16-17


  1. Oh!
    That sky . . .
    Their feet . . .
    Your words . . .
    HIS words . . .

  2. matt and jamie you are always in my prayers especially this time of year! Lauren will never be forgotten!! Thank God you have the Savior to help you thru days like this!!! God Bless You, Tereasa Cox

  3. This brought tears to my eyes, Jamie. I remember this day 9 years ago and I remember thinking how strong you must be. I'm sorry you have to live with the loss of your precious baby. I can't imagine more pain than that. You are amazing to let God use you as He has and will continue to do. Rejoice knowing that you will one day hold her again! Love and prayers to you, jamie bitting

  4. Your tributes to Lauren are always the most amazing. Thank you again, for sharing from your heart.

  5. Thanks for sharing so vulnerably and tenderly. Your trust in Jesus is inspiring; your love for your Lauren is beyond special. I'm grateful to know about this significant part of your journey. Praying for you today... and celebrating God's faithfulness to you all.

  6. Thank you Jamie... for sharing your heart, your sorrow, your triumph... Praying for you, Matt & family today as you remember your precious girl... Thankful you turn to the ONE who gave you Lauren, and the precious days you had with her, look forward to a day you DO get to see and hold your baby girl!! BEAUTIFUL picture of the sky too!! Thanks again for sharing!!
    ~Jamie Deardorff

  7. Many of our lives are intertwined with Laurens and I am so thankful that my was all tangled up in hers. I think of her and smile ever time I see a pink balloon or a pink rose. I love the memories I have of holding baby Lauren playing Canasta in the afternoons.
    The picture of your boys kneeling at Laurens grave is so precious. Thank you for keeping her memory alive. And thank you for sharing today.

  8. Jamie,
    As a mom, my heart aches with you as it has for the past 9 years. I cannot fathom the loss. Your strength and grace are amazing. You are a wonderful mommy and I thank you too for sharing your heart. God bless you today and every day, as you wait for that day of reunion.
    Love you!

  9. Jamie,

    My heart ached all day yesterday with you and Matt. You were in my prayers throughout the day. I think of Lauren often and although it still brings a tear to my eye I rejoice that she is in the hands of Jesus and we will be joined with her soon. I am so glad that the pain is not as overwhelming and that our memories still stay fresh and precious of her. I love the picture every year of the boys by her headstone. They love her even though they physically never got to hold her in their arms because they have learned to hold her in their hearts because of their awesome mom and dad!

    Love you guys more than you know,

  10. Jamie, How did I miss that pink sky??? Must be because it was *just* for you. I love that.

    This is beautiful, but it always, always is. :)


  11. I clicked over from Ann’s Walking With Him Wednesday link again.

    And how does a mom ever let go of a baby – to the hands of God – or to the world. I just don’t know – I’m thinking that you never do – not all the way. This was rally good to read today. Thank you.

    May God Bless and Keep you and all of yours this day

  12. Dropped by from FPFG and noticed that we have the same blog title. Then I noticed that you have three little boys, as do I. And then I read your very sad and sweet tribute to your little girl. I am so sorry. I also lost my first baby (a girl) but she was never born. Lost her at 20 weeks. My youngest little son just finished being treated for cancer. It is hard to understand this world and all of its pain, and how God fits into it. I keep trying to let go and have faith, but it is difficult. Hugs to you.

  13. i apologize for my completely late post from catching up on my reading...regardless i know that these days often linger in the weeks surrounding the time..just wanted to share how beautiful i think it was that God gave you that AMAZINGLY UNEXPECTED pink sky..i love the ways he'll show himself so personally to us to let us know he hears and he great that you saw it. its beautiful the way you take a pic of the boys there too..know that even though i may have been a bit late, i prayed for you tonight.

  14. Just read your blog for the first time today. It's amazing. The pink sky picture is beautiful just as I'm positive your little girl was - may God bless you real big :)

  15. I just found your blog linked from Peanut Butter Jam; thanks for sharing your heartaches and your joys, it brought tears to my eyes.

  16. Jamie-

    Thanks for sharing some of your story on my blog. I know that we aren't the only ones who have shared this experience of T18, but knowing and connecting with other mamas that have somehow eases the hurt a little... What a precious post about your sweet Lauren. I love that you had beautiful time with her and yet, I hate that we lost our little ones to this world.

    My husband and I have said from the very beginning when we started walking through this with Maddox that if one person came to know Christ through Maddox's brief life, then it would somehow all be worth it... because he was already face to face with HIM. I am confident through your words that Lauren has brought people to Him and Christ is so pleased with all that you allowed Him to do through her. Just beautiful...

    Thanks for visiting and sharing. Sweet blessings to your precious family.