This day, nine years ago, is a day I will never forget. It is etched in my mind and heart forever. My memories of that day are not good ones. They are sad, scary and painful. It's the day our baby Lauren breathed her last breath. It's been nine years now and time has changed a lot of things. I have been on the verge of tears all day. My heart is heavy and my mind can think of little else than wanting to hold her tiny body in my arms. It used to be that this was my everyday. Back when it was all fresh and new, feelings like these consumed me all. the. time.
You keep track of all my sorrows. you have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8
It's not like that anymore. I'm mostly fine. I can keep my emotions in check for the most part and my days are filled with taking care of my boys. I always miss my girl but the bad days are fewer and fewer. That change has been gradual but it is full of hope for me. I am healing. My pain doesn't have the same hold on me as it used to. I'm learning to give it up to the One who can change my ashes into beauty. It's not easy for me to do, I want to hold on. It sounds weird to want to hold on to pain but I think that as time took Lauren farther from me, it was something that made me feel closer to her, closer to the time that I had her here with me. I don't think that God intended for me to live holding my hurts so close. He wants me to lay them down, trust that he knows and cares, and then choose joy. I am still learning and many times I fail miserably. I'm not sure why God chose this path for my life but I'm following him.
If you are suffering according to God's will, keep on doing what is right, and trust yourself to the God who made you for he will never fail you. 1 Peter 4:19
He gave me a sky that looked like this last night. I was on my way home from getting groceries, missing my girl and he gave me a pink sky. How awesome is that!?
Who else among the gods is like you, O Lord? Who is glorious in holiness like you-so awesome in splendor, performing such wonders? Exodus15:11
I will always miss my firstborn. She made me a mommy and I will always love her. March 15 will come every year and bring with it memories that no mommy should have. We will always have a spot at the cemetery to take care of, as long as we live, that will be part of our lives.
But...God is still God. He is still on the throne and he is good. All the time. I am loved and cared for by the one who knew my days before they were. Some things never change.
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in you book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God! Psalm 139:16-17
