Some things never change

 This day, nine years ago, is a day I will never forget. It is etched in my mind and heart forever. My memories of that day are not good ones. They are sad, scary and painful. It's the day our baby Lauren breathed her last breath. It's been nine years now and time has changed a lot of things.  I have been on the verge of tears all day. My heart is heavy and my mind can think of little else than wanting to hold her tiny body in my arms. It used to be that this was my everyday. Back when it was all fresh and new, feelings like these consumed me all. the. time.

You keep track of all my sorrows. you have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8

It's not like that anymore. I'm mostly fine. I can keep my emotions in check for the most part and my days are filled with taking care of my boys. I always miss my girl but the bad days are fewer and fewer. That change has been gradual but it is full of hope for me. I am healing. My pain doesn't have the same hold on me as it used to. I'm learning to give it up to the One who can change my ashes into beauty. It's not easy for me to do, I want to hold on. It sounds weird to want to hold on to pain but I think that as time took Lauren farther from me, it was something that made me feel closer to her, closer to the time that I had her here with me. I don't think that God intended for me to live holding my hurts so close. He wants me to lay them down, trust that he knows and cares, and then choose joy. I am still learning and many times I fail miserably. I'm not sure why God chose this path for my life but I'm following him.

If you are suffering according to God's will, keep on doing what is right, and trust yourself to the God who made you for he will never fail you. 1 Peter 4:19

He gave me a sky that looked like this last night. I was on my way home from getting groceries, missing my girl and he gave me a pink sky. How awesome is that!?

Who else among the gods is like you, O Lord? Who is glorious in holiness like you-so awesome in splendor, performing such wonders? Exodus15:11

I will always miss my firstborn. She made me a mommy and I will always love her. March 15 will come every year and bring with it memories that no mommy should have. We will always have a spot at the cemetery to take care of, as long as we live, that will be part of our lives.

But...God is still God. He is still on the throne and he is good. All the time. I am loved and cared for by the one who knew my days before they were. Some things never change.

You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in you book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God!  Psalm 139:16-17

Our escape from the snow

Matt and I have never left the boys for more than one or two nights and it really never occurred to me that we should. All that changed last week. My (very gracious) brother in law offered to Matt, a weeks vacation in Ft. Myers Beach Florida, at a Condo owned by his father in law. When Matt told me I automatically started planning for the boys to come with us. He very patiently waited for me to settle down and said, "I thought maybe just you and I could go." Bingo! It didn't take me long to switch gears and I'm sooooo glad we went for it.  We made plans for the boys to stay with my mom and dad with some babysitting from my lovely sister and sister in law's during the days when mom and dad had to work.

I have to say it was just what we needed even though we never knew we did. It was so good! We had so much fun together and we really didn't do much at all. That's the bueaty of it I guess. This may have been the first time but I'm thinking it won't be the last!

It was so refreshing to see flowers blooming, green grass, fresh LOCAL produce, and most importantly the sun! I think I was really struck by all the color. I was coming from seeing only shades of grey and white outside and it was such and nice change of scenery.

We loved every minute of our time away and it was really hard to drag ourselves away to come home. We were greeted at home by temperatures in the single digits, which seemed pretty cruel but we were so thankful for getting to escape it for a while.

How to deal with the snow in 7 easy steps

1. Grab a daddy and go sledding!

2. Make some art with marshmallows and toothpicks. If you are like Colin you just throw something together quick and get started munching marshmallows like they are going out of style.

3. Snuggle up with your cousins and watch a movie. If your like Colin, feel free to suck your thumb and pick your nose through the entire thing.

4. Bundle up and play outside after a blizzard.

4. Build a fort and hang out there for a day and a half.

5. Make snow ice cream and enjoy it for a bedtime snack.

6. Eat snowman pancakes that your mom was way more excited about than you.

7. Last but not least, leave your babies in the loving care of Grandma, pack your bags and head to somewhere warm and full of sunshine with your hunny.  See you later snow. I'm off to the beach:)

Our girl

Today we are remembering our girl. Celebrating her life.

We will eat pink cookies, answer hard questions and tell stories to the boys.

 We will thank Jesus for blessing us, nine years ago, with a little girl who changed our lives.

We love our girl.

Oh, Christmas Tree

I love our annual trip out to the Christmas tree farm. This year was no exception.  What's not to like? Bundling up, searching for the perfect tree, free popcorn, a visit with Santa, and driving away with a tree on the roof of your van. Good stuff! Here is our 2010 Christmas tree experience.

Our first stop was to see Santa. It was quite funny to see how different each of our boys were with this.

Jake ran right up first thing, not one bit leery of this jolly fellow.  He told Santa he wanted "Optimus Prime". Which is what he said last year too and I believe he even got one. He has never seen any transformer anything and never played with the one he got but asked for it again this year. What in the world?! Peer pressure I suppose.

Evan was next. He was visibly nervous. I think last year was the first year he was able to even walk by the Santa hut without a complete meltdown caused by fear.  He was so nervous that when Santa asked what he wanted for Christmas he stammered around before proclaiming, "rocking chair". Santa looked to me for clarification and Evan stuck by his answer. I was trying so hard not to bust out laughing. It was clearly the nerves talking.

Colin was not one bit happy about Santa. He managed to stand in front of him for the promise of a candy cane but there was no smiling and absolutely no talking.  Funny kids! Then it was off to find our tree.

My boys posing in front of "the one".

I'm pretty sure Matt will be happy when the boys are old enough to help with this.

Following our fearless leader.

For some reason I just love seeing our tree atop our van. The boys really enjoyed decorating the tree this year too and we only had two broken ornaments!

They are so into long underwear right now. Jacob asks to wear his to school almost every day. I think Colin just likes it because he thinks the word underwear is hilarious. After it was decorated they ooooohed and aaaaaahed over it for a really long time. I don't blame them. There is just something exciting and beautiful about a Christmas tree all lit up and decorated.

I love this picture. What you can't tell from looking at it is that they were singing their version of Christmas carols inserting the words, underwear, toot, stinky sock, and toilet, where they thought appropriate. Life with a houseful of boys is...interesting. I love creating traditions with them, knowing that we are making memories that will stay with them for the rest of their lives.

Tennessee

We took a little trip over the boys fall break.  It was our first time traveling with no diapers, no feeding schedules, no pack-n-play, and unfortunately no DVD player.  The boys did super for the long van ride and I give full credit to their lunch box's.  I got each of the boys a new lunch bag and filled it to the brim with goodies.  PB&J, pretzels, yogurt raisins, cheese stick, sliced turkey, fruit snacks, grapes, snack mix, almonds, water bottle, Capri sun, and a go-gurt! I gave them permission to eat whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. They thought it was so cool, it kept them happy the entire drive and we never had to buy them a meal!  I will be doing this for every road trip here on out.

My grandpa lives near the Hang-gliding capital of the world.  It was one of our first stops after visiting with grandpa.  The boys loved it and we were lucky enough to see a glider take off. 

We hadn't been down to see Grandpa since Colin was born so we were long overdue for a visit. When we asked the boys what they're favorite part of vacation was, Jake said, " Seeing Grandpa Clifford!" 

They also enjoyed the hotel pool, of course. We had it all to ourselves the whole time we were there. BONUS!

We went to Rock City and the boys were at the perfect age to enjoy it! That was definitely a highlight. We also got to go on a train ride at a train museum we visited.

If you ask me what I liked best, that's easy.  I don't even have to think about it.  Quality time with my four guys!

I love my life!

Fall

I love jeans and sweatshirt weather. I love the view of our tree lined street.  I love apple cider and pumpkin patches.  I LOVE FALL!

I am filled to overflowing with gratitude for the blessing of family, beauty, love, and provision.
Blessed.
Amen.